A sea of change
Question: My foster child has been in my home for three years and she has had four social workers. How can I help her adjust to one more social worker when she seems to losing trust with each change-over?
Change. Transition. Transformation. Alteration. Adjustment. I have heard all these points as I have been moving into my new role as Acting Director for the Children and Family Services Bureau. By the time you read this, I will have had a few weeks under my belt and will hopefully not be feeling as anxious as I am today: my first official day in this position. While I am truly looking forward to this new role and am filled with energy and ideas, I am also apprehensive. I feel unsettled and am having trouble concentrating - the usual signs of stress for me.
Being introspective by nature, it occurs to me that if I am feeling anxious about a job change, how must our foster children feel when they face changes so much more traumatic? I will still be going home to the same house, the same husband, the same dog and the same bed. I will be eating familiar foods and keeping a pretty familiar schedule.
No wonder our foster children sometimes have problems sleeping when they make a placement move or lose a trusted relationship. No wonder they may cry easily or unpredictably. No wonder they can have emotional outbursts or tantrums. No wonder they often have trouble concentrating or doing school work. The changes and losses for them are far more significant than changing jobs within the same department.
So how can you help your foster child deal with the significant changes that occur in her life? Help her develop self-confidence so that she can successfully manage change. Find activities that build her self-esteem, like sports, art, music, or church activities. Praise her every legitimate chance you get.
When there is significant change, such as the change of a social worker whom she trusts, her self-esteen will be an important source of strength for her. For your part, first (I know, we social workers always say this!) acknowledge that change is hard and help her express her feelings in the way that works best for her. For some kids, that might be shooting baskets for an hour, for other talking, for other just some private time alone. Next, you might remind her of when she first met that social worker, how they were strangers and how their relationship developed. Encourage her to say goodbye. If it isn’t possible for her to have a face-to-face meeting to say goodbye, help her write a letter or draw a picture for the social worker and mail it.
Finally, just do what you have always done with your foster children. Continue to be there for them and comfort them through whatever losses they face. They will draw from your strength.
-From Contra Costa Foster Families Newsletter, May/June 2006